March 17, 2014

This is the day my grandmother had passed away.
These weeks have been hard.
Will still be hard for days to come.
My family is devastated and upset.
But it is something that happens in life, and we have to live with it and move on all in our own time.

This is what happens in life and we all have to be strong enough to get through it. I still have my whole life ahead of me and I need to think that she would be proud of me.

The family is still going strong. There is still laughter and smiles and loving conversations between kids and parents and between siblings. Life goes on and there are still happy times left in life and sad times too. We’ll always think about her, and have that heartache when the family gathers and she is missing. But it won’t stop us from living and being together.

Happy Easter!!

Though it is a late post, so it should be Happy Late Easter!

But here is some photos of the work my friend, Meg, and I did for Easter food and stuff.

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We also hunted for our basket my mom and Aunt Christine made for us. It was incredibly fun. We helped my brothers hide the eggs for my little niece, Claire (2 years old), and my nephew, Jordyn (10 years old) and some of the other kids. It was wonderful to watch the kids run around looking for the eggs.

It was also a sad day being on the other side of Easter instead of being the one to wake up and everything is already set up and you have to find your basket and then hunt for eggs. But I guess that is what happens when you grow up and become an adult, even when you don’t feel like it sometimes.

Essential Oils: Day One: April 23,14

So my mother and I attended an essential oil class (which was free). It sparked my interest and fueled my mothers curiosity that had been building up for years. So mom bought some essential oils from Young Living, which is a starter kit and it’s pretty darn cool.

So mom went to the doctor yesterday because she felt achy, had a sore throat, congestion and many other nasty things. She’s on antibiotics right now but we know the essential oil Thieves boosts immunity and Lavender soothes you. So I put those two oils into the Diffuser that comes with the starter kit. 4 drops thieves and 4 drops lavender, which I don’t know if it will work but we are beginners so I’m giving us some slack.

She already loves the smell of Thieves so maybe this will help mom feel better. Wish us luck on this journey of essential oils!!!

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The Situation I Have Been In These Past Months

Hello everyone. It has been 2 months since I’ve been on wordpress. I should tell you the changes I have went through since New Years. First of all, I have been diagnosed with depression. It wasn’t really a shock to me since I’ve been thinking I’ve had it for more than six months. It’s just got progressivly worse since starting college and losing a vaulable friend and dealing with a stalker. So in turn it’s been a hard couple months with such rocky emotions going through my body.

January was a rough month. I started my prescription for depression and I started my second semester at school. I began to lose interest more quickly in things starting mid October through January. The new medication was scary to take. I’m young so I didn’t really want to be dependent on medication, but I decided since I haven’t gotten better through pure determination that I should try this medication. The medication took away my appetite and I didn’t eat very well. I lost 2 pounds in two weeks. Which isn’t good for my height and weight before. And it really didn’t help that all my friends worried constantly about me. It didn’t help that my friend Meg was constantly concerned about me eating or not eating. It stressed me out even more and she kind of made me not really want to eat. Depression isn’t just sadness. It’s fear, anger, hopelessness, and worthlessness. It’s when even the smallest things feel like you succeeded. I’m a winner when I can get out of bed. I’m a winner when I can get dressed. I’m a winner when I can just make it to class.

But most importantly, depression is nothingness.

And when I’ve been feeling like nothing for so long everything becomes too much.

So comes Febuary 10th, the day I withdrew from college.

I probably have people that thought I was just giving up, but it’s far more complicated than that. Far more than they can think it is. Nobody can enter my mind except for myself and I will not take their judgements about my decision. I have family that is unhappy about my choice but they don’t understand that I’m not stopping my life, I’m trying to figuring it out.

If I was truthful to people about everything, most of my depression stems from my friendship with my ex-best friend. I don’t really blame her. Actually it’s really complicated to explain without it seeming like I am blaming her.

But I came to learn that I was emotionally abused in that friendship and I had become so ingrained with her persona that I, in turn, lost myself. I became defined by her in my high school years that I also dependent on her and her wishes. That made it hard to define myself in college and losing her was a real blow to me mentally.

I lost a big part of my personality, and that was baffling and disappionting to myself. I was bewildered on how I didn’t even notice that she had been a too huge of a part in my life. I was disappionted that I was never just Emmii, it was “Cal and Emmii”. But Cal could just be Cal without me. That’s when I realized that I was defined by her in the most unhealthy way.

It was a revelation when those last few months of our friendship was defined by her cutting. That’s when I realized that was the only thing keeping me close to her.

I know I did the right thing when I drifted away from her.

But now it’s hard finding yourself when all you have been was for somebody else.

That is why I needed away from school. Because school was defining me and I didn’t know how to stop it from defining me. So I needed to get away and start to learn about myself because I never really knew myself these last four years.

This is a new chapter in my life and it as started off really rocky.

I should probably also tell you I’ve been helping my mom with my dying grandmother since I withdrew from school. It’s been very tough since it’s apparent that she will not get better and that she will just slowly deteriorate in front of our eyes. I don’t know how long she has left and it’s getting harder and harder for mom and I to help her.

Until next post,

Emmii Pebbles

Happy New Year!

As it is the first week of a new year I want this update just to say Happy New Year! We survived another year of turmoil and onto the next. Naw, 2013 wasn’t that bad overall. I enjoyed 2013. I graduated from high school and had my first semester of college, which was an adventure in and of itself.
I lost a lot of friends but gained even more. I went through the metaphorical loss of my best friend and dealt with a stalker. I passed all of my classes even though it was B’s and a C, but I’m proud of myself to say the least.
I spent weeks with my new friends doing stupid things and meaningful things. It was glorious getting to know my new friends and laughing with them and crying with them.
I got a recommendation to be a RA! That’s pretty awesome if I say so myself! I’m really excited for the opportunity that has been given to me. I have to go through a process though to be eligible to become a RA.
I’m grateful for all the people that have been supportive of me through this roller coaster of a year. I’m grateful I made wonderful friends. I’m grateful for my parents who have been supporting me through this semester and probably through the rest. I’m so grateful just for everything that has made me stronger and has given me a broader mind.
I hope all of you had a wonderful New Years Eve and New Years Day. And I wish you a wonderful year and I hope you’ll stay with this boring college student through her new semester and even longer

Until next post,
Emmii Pebbles

Update On My Boring Life

Hello everyone,

It’s finals week!!! I hate it. It’s even one of the most stressful week of my life and I haven’t even started on the hardest final of them all.

Biology 1 for Majors. And I say this course title with utter contempt.

I probably will have to take the course again. I’m not happy about it, but I understand why I might have to take it again.

I really, really suck at studying and test taking. Both were not my strong point in high school and throwing myself into my major classes, I think, was a mistake.

In high school, (I hope I don’t sound like I’m overly praising myself) I didn’t have to study. At all. Now I sit here in college and I’m lost; totally and utterly lost.

And all biology is is studying and test taking and I SUCK. I tried to get better this semester but this semester has been really hard on me. I shouldn’t use that as an excuse, though I am.

I’m just….not feeling it. The whole biology for a major. It kind of makes me feel depressed as I have been waiting for college to start to become a doctor (now a Forensic Pathologist). Maybe it’s because all the bad situations that have been going on this past 5 months that is making a negative impact on how I see biology. At the same time, I can’t help but feel like I don’t want to continue this path.

I feel like I’m disappointing myself and possibly my parents. Mostly my dad though. He wants me to make more money than he ever did and to have a college degree that can settle me into a job I can keep with it.

It is harsh that I can disappoint my mom but I fear disappointing my dad?
I mean I don’t want to disappoint my mom either but there’s something about disappointing my dad that painfully pulls my heart strings and makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry.

I really can’t take disappointment from anyone. I can take anger and cruel words but just imagining hearing ‘I’m disappointed in you.’ makes me have a sick feeling in my stomach.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. There are so many more careers and jobs out there that could spark my interest. Something out there can spark my passion again.

I just hope I can find it soon and not disappoint anyone.

Until next post,

Emmii Pebbles

Update on the stalking issue

Hey everyone, I know it’s been a long time. I’ve been busy with life but now I’m laying in my room at 3am finding myself with a little time.

So, he was suspended for quite a while but 2 weeks ago I learned that he filed for an appeal for his suspension. As is his every right to. There is a hearing on Tuesday, and Mister C said I could choose not to go.

I don’t really want to go.

Knowing that me not going could help him get back into school makes me cringe. I never wanted this, we have 2 more freaking weeks of school the hell does he want–
Never mind, we know he wants to get back close to me. To mess with me? To just enjoy having power back over me? That I don’t know.

I shouldn’t feel afraid but I am. I try to act tough but I’m just seriously scared to see his face again. Like so scared I’m feeling sick. He makes me sick.

I have the choice to not go to the ‘hearing’. I don’t want to go, but I know my family would want me to get this over with. I don’t know if they understand how scared I actually am.

I don’t really know what to do but I have exactly 24 hours to choose what to do. And I just really want to take the cowards way out and not do it. I want to go at the same time knowing that he would get satisfaction from knowing that I wasn’t there to defend myself.

I don’t know what to do.

Until next post,
Emmii