Hello everyone. It has been 2 months since I’ve been on wordpress. I should tell you the changes I have went through since New Years. First of all, I have been diagnosed with depression. It wasn’t really a shock to me since I’ve been thinking I’ve had it for more than six months. It’s just got progressivly worse since starting college and losing a vaulable friend and dealing with a stalker. So in turn it’s been a hard couple months with such rocky emotions going through my body.
January was a rough month. I started my prescription for depression and I started my second semester at school. I began to lose interest more quickly in things starting mid October through January. The new medication was scary to take. I’m young so I didn’t really want to be dependent on medication, but I decided since I haven’t gotten better through pure determination that I should try this medication. The medication took away my appetite and I didn’t eat very well. I lost 2 pounds in two weeks. Which isn’t good for my height and weight before. And it really didn’t help that all my friends worried constantly about me. It didn’t help that my friend Meg was constantly concerned about me eating or not eating. It stressed me out even more and she kind of made me not really want to eat. Depression isn’t just sadness. It’s fear, anger, hopelessness, and worthlessness. It’s when even the smallest things feel like you succeeded. I’m a winner when I can get out of bed. I’m a winner when I can get dressed. I’m a winner when I can just make it to class.
But most importantly, depression is nothingness.
And when I’ve been feeling like nothing for so long everything becomes too much.
So comes Febuary 10th, the day I withdrew from college.
I probably have people that thought I was just giving up, but it’s far more complicated than that. Far more than they can think it is. Nobody can enter my mind except for myself and I will not take their judgements about my decision. I have family that is unhappy about my choice but they don’t understand that I’m not stopping my life, I’m trying to figuring it out.
If I was truthful to people about everything, most of my depression stems from my friendship with my ex-best friend. I don’t really blame her. Actually it’s really complicated to explain without it seeming like I am blaming her.
But I came to learn that I was emotionally abused in that friendship and I had become so ingrained with her persona that I, in turn, lost myself. I became defined by her in my high school years that I also dependent on her and her wishes. That made it hard to define myself in college and losing her was a real blow to me mentally.
I lost a big part of my personality, and that was baffling and disappionting to myself. I was bewildered on how I didn’t even notice that she had been a too huge of a part in my life. I was disappionted that I was never just Emmii, it was “Cal and Emmii”. But Cal could just be Cal without me. That’s when I realized that I was defined by her in the most unhealthy way.
It was a revelation when those last few months of our friendship was defined by her cutting. That’s when I realized that was the only thing keeping me close to her.
I know I did the right thing when I drifted away from her.
But now it’s hard finding yourself when all you have been was for somebody else.
That is why I needed away from school. Because school was defining me and I didn’t know how to stop it from defining me. So I needed to get away and start to learn about myself because I never really knew myself these last four years.
This is a new chapter in my life and it as started off really rocky.
I should probably also tell you I’ve been helping my mom with my dying grandmother since I withdrew from school. It’s been very tough since it’s apparent that she will not get better and that she will just slowly deteriorate in front of our eyes. I don’t know how long she has left and it’s getting harder and harder for mom and I to help her.
Until next post,