The Situation I Have Been In These Past Months

Hello everyone. It has been 2 months since I’ve been on wordpress. I should tell you the changes I have went through since New Years. First of all, I have been diagnosed with depression. It wasn’t really a shock to me since I’ve been thinking I’ve had it for more than six months. It’s just got progressivly worse since starting college and losing a vaulable friend and dealing with a stalker. So in turn it’s been a hard couple months with such rocky emotions going through my body.

January was a rough month. I started my prescription for depression and I started my second semester at school. I began to lose interest more quickly in things starting mid October through January. The new medication was scary to take. I’m young so I didn’t really want to be dependent on medication, but I decided since I haven’t gotten better through pure determination that I should try this medication. The medication took away my appetite and I didn’t eat very well. I lost 2 pounds in two weeks. Which isn’t good for my height and weight before. And it really didn’t help that all my friends worried constantly about me. It didn’t help that my friend Meg was constantly concerned about me eating or not eating. It stressed me out even more and she kind of made me not really want to eat. Depression isn’t just sadness. It’s fear, anger, hopelessness, and worthlessness. It’s when even the smallest things feel like you succeeded. I’m a winner when I can get out of bed. I’m a winner when I can get dressed. I’m a winner when I can just make it to class.

But most importantly, depression is nothingness.

And when I’ve been feeling like nothing for so long everything becomes too much.

So comes Febuary 10th, the day I withdrew from college.

I probably have people that thought I was just giving up, but it’s far more complicated than that. Far more than they can think it is. Nobody can enter my mind except for myself and I will not take their judgements about my decision. I have family that is unhappy about my choice but they don’t understand that I’m not stopping my life, I’m trying to figuring it out.

If I was truthful to people about everything, most of my depression stems from my friendship with my ex-best friend. I don’t really blame her. Actually it’s really complicated to explain without it seeming like I am blaming her.

But I came to learn that I was emotionally abused in that friendship and I had become so ingrained with her persona that I, in turn, lost myself. I became defined by her in my high school years that I also dependent on her and her wishes. That made it hard to define myself in college and losing her was a real blow to me mentally.

I lost a big part of my personality, and that was baffling and disappionting to myself. I was bewildered on how I didn’t even notice that she had been a too huge of a part in my life. I was disappionted that I was never just Emmii, it was “Cal and Emmii”. But Cal could just be Cal without me. That’s when I realized that I was defined by her in the most unhealthy way.

It was a revelation when those last few months of our friendship was defined by her cutting. That’s when I realized that was the only thing keeping me close to her.

I know I did the right thing when I drifted away from her.

But now it’s hard finding yourself when all you have been was for somebody else.

That is why I needed away from school. Because school was defining me and I didn’t know how to stop it from defining me. So I needed to get away and start to learn about myself because I never really knew myself these last four years.

This is a new chapter in my life and it as started off really rocky.

I should probably also tell you I’ve been helping my mom with my dying grandmother since I withdrew from school. It’s been very tough since it’s apparent that she will not get better and that she will just slowly deteriorate in front of our eyes. I don’t know how long she has left and it’s getting harder and harder for mom and I to help her.

Until next post,

Emmii Pebbles

Happy New Year!

As it is the first week of a new year I want this update just to say Happy New Year! We survived another year of turmoil and onto the next. Naw, 2013 wasn’t that bad overall. I enjoyed 2013. I graduated from high school and had my first semester of college, which was an adventure in and of itself.
I lost a lot of friends but gained even more. I went through the metaphorical loss of my best friend and dealt with a stalker. I passed all of my classes even though it was B’s and a C, but I’m proud of myself to say the least.
I spent weeks with my new friends doing stupid things and meaningful things. It was glorious getting to know my new friends and laughing with them and crying with them.
I got a recommendation to be a RA! That’s pretty awesome if I say so myself! I’m really excited for the opportunity that has been given to me. I have to go through a process though to be eligible to become a RA.
I’m grateful for all the people that have been supportive of me through this roller coaster of a year. I’m grateful I made wonderful friends. I’m grateful for my parents who have been supporting me through this semester and probably through the rest. I’m so grateful just for everything that has made me stronger and has given me a broader mind.
I hope all of you had a wonderful New Years Eve and New Years Day. And I wish you a wonderful year and I hope you’ll stay with this boring college student through her new semester and even longer

Until next post,
Emmii Pebbles

Update On My Boring Life

Hello everyone,

It’s finals week!!! I hate it. It’s even one of the most stressful week of my life and I haven’t even started on the hardest final of them all.

Biology 1 for Majors. And I say this course title with utter contempt.

I probably will have to take the course again. I’m not happy about it, but I understand why I might have to take it again.

I really, really suck at studying and test taking. Both were not my strong point in high school and throwing myself into my major classes, I think, was a mistake.

In high school, (I hope I don’t sound like I’m overly praising myself) I didn’t have to study. At all. Now I sit here in college and I’m lost; totally and utterly lost.

And all biology is is studying and test taking and I SUCK. I tried to get better this semester but this semester has been really hard on me. I shouldn’t use that as an excuse, though I am.

I’m just….not feeling it. The whole biology for a major. It kind of makes me feel depressed as I have been waiting for college to start to become a doctor (now a Forensic Pathologist). Maybe it’s because all the bad situations that have been going on this past 5 months that is making a negative impact on how I see biology. At the same time, I can’t help but feel like I don’t want to continue this path.

I feel like I’m disappointing myself and possibly my parents. Mostly my dad though. He wants me to make more money than he ever did and to have a college degree that can settle me into a job I can keep with it.

It is harsh that I can disappoint my mom but I fear disappointing my dad?
I mean I don’t want to disappoint my mom either but there’s something about disappointing my dad that painfully pulls my heart strings and makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry.

I really can’t take disappointment from anyone. I can take anger and cruel words but just imagining hearing ‘I’m disappointed in you.’ makes me have a sick feeling in my stomach.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. There are so many more careers and jobs out there that could spark my interest. Something out there can spark my passion again.

I just hope I can find it soon and not disappoint anyone.

Until next post,

Emmii Pebbles

Update on the stalking issue

Hey everyone, I know it’s been a long time. I’ve been busy with life but now I’m laying in my room at 3am finding myself with a little time.

So, he was suspended for quite a while but 2 weeks ago I learned that he filed for an appeal for his suspension. As is his every right to. There is a hearing on Tuesday, and Mister C said I could choose not to go.

I don’t really want to go.

Knowing that me not going could help him get back into school makes me cringe. I never wanted this, we have 2 more freaking weeks of school the hell does he want–
Never mind, we know he wants to get back close to me. To mess with me? To just enjoy having power back over me? That I don’t know.

I shouldn’t feel afraid but I am. I try to act tough but I’m just seriously scared to see his face again. Like so scared I’m feeling sick. He makes me sick.

I have the choice to not go to the ‘hearing’. I don’t want to go, but I know my family would want me to get this over with. I don’t know if they understand how scared I actually am.

I don’t really know what to do but I have exactly 24 hours to choose what to do. And I just really want to take the cowards way out and not do it. I want to go at the same time knowing that he would get satisfaction from knowing that I wasn’t there to defend myself.

I don’t know what to do.

Until next post,
Emmii

What Really Stopped Me From Blogging These Past Weeks

I have had the misfortune to become a victim of stalking.

Yes, stalking.As in some boy, not a man by ANY means, followed me back from my last class of the day to my dorm.

(WARNING: Contains cuss words and is a very long post.)

Monday, October 28th, 2013.

I was so scared. I felt helpless and only an inch tall. I shouldn’t have felt like that; I should have gotten angry, and threw a damn hissy fit and scared the motherfreaker off. I didn’t though. I made sure he didn’t know he was following me, which probably gave him a feeling of power. I don’t know.  I got into my housing unit and slammed the door close, which was locked only the girls in the dorm can get in with a key.

I told Rio, and she was freaked out for me. On Tuesday, October 29th, I had ran to the bathroom after class hoping that would give him the time to just leave and not follow me. I waited around 5 to 6 minutes after class and left the building. I looked up and he was there, waiting for me. I freaked out mentally, forcing myself to nonchalantly glace at my phone and then huff in exaspiration. I made it seem I had to turn the other direction. So I went inbetween the music building and the science building(the one I came out of) and darted to the stairs and up them noticing that he was watching me go down that way. I ran up the stairs and noticed there was a crowd of people around the little park we have in the middle of campus. I breathed a sigh of relief, hoping that crowd would stop him.

I traveled the long way to my dorm, and noticed as I turned a corner he was running up to that same corner I just turned. I started brisk walking, turning my earphones up loud. That didn’t stop him. He ran up to me, startling the shizz outta me. I should have just walked away, but me being the stupid person I am allowed him to engage me in a conversation.

He asked me to study with him, I bullcrapped so quickly I wondered if he noticed but decided I didn’t give a damn. I told him I like studying alone. I made a move to leave, he told me he was bad at biology (the class we share, unfortunately) and asked if I could teach him. Reacting quickly I shot him down saying I’m not a good teacher. He wanted to walk me home, I said I was meeting a friend at the local on-campus resturant (let’s call it Chick’s). I texted Rio to get to Chick’s so fast I was surprised my thumb didn’t fly off. He wanted to take me there. I kinda told him yes and left without him. As we walked he tried to get closer to me. I moved away so fast and was so grateful that I saw Rio there waiting for me. She meet me halfway, I halfheartiedly said thanks to the guy to make him leave. He didn’t until we got right in front of Chick’s. He didn’t say one word, I felt so ‘ugh’.

Wednesday he didn’t follow me. But his staring literally burned through me, I was so effing uncomfortable. I couldn’t concentrate in biology. He didn’t follow me, I went a totally different way with a friend (Vet Girl) only halfway though. I learned today that he followed another girl (Punky), she usually goes the same way as me though so I don’t know why he followed her.

I told my RA slightly reluctantly about this massive problem. Bree acted quickly getting in contact with Head Girl (her boss) and in turn got in contact with the Headmaster (her boss’s boss) who in turn got into contact with the Office of Student Conduct, a Mister C. So Thursday afternoon I spent 3 hours before my class talking to three different people about what happened this past week. I told them he had been staring at me for weeks before he followed me. Seriously I can take staring, whatever, but don’t follow me to my home.

Head Girl, Headmaster, and Mister C were all concerned with this behavior. Stalker is an Indian (from India) so I told them I didn’t know if it was culture difference but this behavior has made me uncomfortable and stressed out and paranoid.

Mister C quickly got me a No Contact Order in place, meaning if stalker got close to me or tried to get me to talk to me or go somewhere with him I could call the police. Mister C told me if I tell stalker to leave me alone the NCO will have more of an impact. I told stalker right after class with Vet Girl, Liz Dawg (asian girl friend), and half the class heard me tell him to leave me alone; to not follow me, to not stare at me. Stalker looked nervous, I felt a lot of satisfaction and left. Only for him to call out my name. He wanted to speak with me. I allowed it. Seriously don;t make thsat mistake of doing that, just ignore them. He wanted my help with the 2 page paper he had to write about the misconduct he did toward me, wanting to tell me a story. I refused and left, meeting up with Liz Dawg, and ever since then Liz has been my body guard since by the way.

This week has been horrible because of the stress of this stalker and the things that I have to do like keeping up with Mister C made me totally fail my biology exam. Don’t pity me or slander me. I don’t deserve either, it’s just been a bad week.

The stalker is in my class, and he stared at me during the exam, and he still stares at me.

Oh, I think he is supposed to be suspended because of him being around my housing (he’s not supposed to be around any housing on campus) looking inside of my dorm house. It was unfortunate that I saw it. It was seriously pure coincedence that he ws walking in front of the dorm lobby’s window when I was in the lobby. Freaked me out because he seriously wants to see me. I talked to Head Girl again and she wanted an update and I told her about the Lobby Window incident and she was concerned, and posted a picture up in the lobby office to show the RA’s that he is not supposed to be in the building or by it and to call campus police.

My friends and I love to go to the 7-11 across the street. We had been there for about 15-20 minutes until he showed up. I regonized him instantly, he didn’t notice me until he was walking into the store. I put my hood up and hunched over, praying that he wouldn’t stay. Sure enough as he walks out of the store his eyes are on me. Thank god I have wonderful, b**chy friends with sky high attitudes. Tardis said “The f**k you looking at??” He didn’t stop staring. Rio said “Keep walking.” He kept walking but didn’t take his eyes off me. He purposefully sat down behind a tree that was about thrity feet to the left of me, making sure he was in the shadows but he could still see me.

He made sure I was still in his sights even with my wonderful friends forming a barrier around me. Rio, Tardis and Bunny were so ready for a show down and ready to kick his ass. Bunny finally finished her cig, and we walked back to campus. Rio said he craned his neck to watch me walk away. My creep meter has been broken and is left shattered on the ground.

I don’t know how long it takes for the paper work to get him suspended takes but Lord, I hope it’s soon because I don’t know if I can take his staring without getting angry and kicking his ass myself.

I am not scared for myself anymore. I am so angry that I had to go through this and that he probably thinks its a effing game.

It may seem overdramatic but he ruined the safety that I shoudl feel on my campus, he ruined my relaxationan of being alone and he voilated me in the worst and easiest way possible and I don’t feel okay anymore. I feel weak and useless and icky.

I don’t deserve to feel this way.

Nobody deserves to feel that way, male OR female.

I want girls to learn what stalking behavior is and how it works. It’s getting more dangerous for us to walk alone now. Please if you believed you are being stalked, call the police. Not your mom or your dad or whoever, please contact the police and make sure this stops.

This behavior is not acceptable or morally appropriate. It is a violation against you,please make sure you know that.

I know my situation wasn’t in the intense phase but it still affects the person it happened to.

Don’t downplay your gut.

Don’t let anyone downplay your concern.

Don’t downplay a victim. Do not mock a victim. Do not allow anyone to treat a victim like it was their fault.

It’s not your fault you have been stalked. YOU didn’t make him/her stalk you. It’s the STALKER’S fault he has done this to you. It’s his/her messed up mind.

YOU HAVE NO FAULT IN THIS.

Do not allow anyone to victim shame or victim blame anymore. 

Farewell and until next post,

Emmii Pebbles

Formal Introduction

Hello, everyone, my name is Emmii Pebbles (Em, Emmii, and other various forms of my name are acceptable). I am a freshman in college, and I’m in my sixteenth week of my first semester. I consider my hometown small, though it is growing rapidly if you use the roads going from two lanes to four, and home additions popping up everywhere as evidence. I’m majoring in Biology and my hope/wish/dream is to be able to get into medical school, even though the competition is tough. I like the colors black, maroon, silver, and gold. In my spare time, I used to read lots of novels, and write, but now I’m guessing it’ll be studying and blogging. I think I’m a funny person but deep down I know I’m really not that funny. I’m not very smart but I’m average. I’m basically average in everything. I try really hard though so I hope that makes up for it. Now onto why I want to blog!

I want this blog to be about how I’m growing up, and how boring my life is in college. I don’t know if my blog will be any good but I hope it will be entertaining and insightful to me later in life and I hope it will be beneficial to anybody reading it. I want this blog to be my journey from a person thrust into life with no real grasp on who they are to someone with a good grasp on who they are and on many things in life. I want to write down my thoughts and my leaps and bounds that I hope to make in this world. That’s why I want to blog, to showcase my road in life and so I can go back and see what I have done.

I want to see when I look back on my life how I thought, why I thought it, and why I believed this or that. I want to be able to look back and say “Hey, I actually really did that.”
Farwell and until next post,

Emmii Pebbles

Mid-Semester; And Home Is Comfort

I apologise. It is seriously a lot harder to post every week when I notice that my life is exceptionally boring. As it were I will still try my hardest to post as often as possible (like it’ll make a difference, but whatever).

I made it to the halfway mark of my first semester. I’m really happy I have survived this long. Since I have I need to crack down on myself. Biology is hitting me hard, like seriously I thought I had a knack for science. Knacks don’t help in college. I’m learning that the hard way, but I can’t make any more mistakes in my first semester. I need a good G.P.A.

But, I have been having doubts about what my majors should be. I know everyone goes through it but I am seriously thinking about it.

Let’s skip a week into the future (as this was saved as a post a couple weeks ago).

I talked to my mom and my cousin, with my other family in hearing distance about my want/need to change my double major into majoring in Biology and minoring in languages and photography.

My cousin, Amanda, who I can’t believe actually gave me a lot of perception and wisdom. I enjoyed talking to her, she actually sat there and listen to my problems from my roommate concerns to my fear of not getting anything right. I didn’t even mind talking in the middle of the kitchen with my close family going in and out. It made me happy that I had that support even though she’s mostly a thousand miles away from my close family and I.

I told her about how I felt in the forensic science class, even though it is a basic course and I’m easily passing it, I don’t feel like I’m happy or even that I will be happy in that major. I confessed that Rio (my roommate) had decided by the end of the second semester here that she’s going to move back home and go to college there. I said that I’m disappionted in my roommate for moving back home, I felt like if she didn’t make so many excuses to go back home she’d enjoy college. It doesn’t even feel like Rio is giving college a chance. I understand that she is 4 hours away from home and home is comfort and security. I’m home sick and I’m just thirty minutes away from home. But it’s not like I can just get up and leave and go home; I don’t have a car, I don’t have a job, and my family is carrying on as usual. I told Amanda that and she agreed; she told me she’s only five minutes away from her mom and she’s homesick even though she’s been out of the house for 10 years and has a husband and a child.

I could be being judgemental but I’m getting off track.

She asked me what I wanted in life and I told her I wanted my own practice being a Forensic Pathologist, but that wasn’t the only thing I wanted.

I want to travel. I want to become pat of the Peace Corps. Or the Red Cross. I want to hich hike across Europe. I want to go to Africa, China, Korea, Japan, South America. I don’t want to waste my life in school, I want to see and experiance the world. I want to get lost. I want to learn many, many languages. I want to enjoy my life.

Is that to much to ask?

Until next post,

Emmii Pebbles

P.s. This was supposed to be up more than a couple weeks ago. I’m sooo sorry. I wanted to post this after fall break (oct. 10th or so) but then i just didn’t then i wanted to post it around the 19th of october THAT didn’t happen. But I’m posting it now. I hope you enjoy it!!