Wow, It’s been A Year

I didn’t forget about this blog, I swear.

I just didn’t have anything to say…?

No, that’s a shitty excuse, to be honest.

I just didn’t want to do it anymore.

I fell into a depressive episode that month and stayed in it for this whole year.

Truthfully, I’m not out of the depressive episode. I’m not ever going to get out of it. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. Even if my other posts slightly talked about my thought on my depression being a forever thing, I never really wanted to admit it. Admit that my depression will never leave me. That I will struggle with it for the rest of my life.

The only reason I got back on here is because of an old friend, who I had named Tardis in many of my old blogs on here.

I felt compelled to at least come on here and explain lots of feelings I’ve been having these past months and what Tardis and I discussed in our messages between each other.

I am not happy. And you would think that is not anything strange with someone who is depressed. But even depressed people can sometimes be able to do things that make them happy. But…. nothing is making me happy anymore. I’ve lost the passion for reading, writing, going outside, playing with my dogs. Everything. I look into my future and I don’t see myself doing anything, being with anyone. But like, I’m not dead or anything. I’m just not really there, you know?

Maybe I’m going crazy so slowly that I haven’t even noticed that I’m now neck deep in quick sand and now panicking as I’m trying to get out.

Tardis said that I’m stuck. I have to agree with that. I’ve been stuck for 3 years now. Time is my enemy. And 3 years have just drifted away from my weak hands.

I am seized every day by an uncontrollable fear. I think and think and think and suddenly I can’t breathe with all these thoughts swirling inside my head. I want to live and be free and do the things I want to do, even though I do not know what they are, yet when I think of school and of living…. I’m drowning and struggling against the terror and instinctual retreating into my shell.

Tardis told me I need to leave, get out of the place I am now. How can I? Where would I go? I have no money, no support anywhere else. I have two dogs. I don’t have health insurance, my car is my brothers because he pays for it and the insurance. I have nothing to my name, other than W’s and F’s on my transcripts.

I live everyday with anxiety pooling inside my gut. But I live with it because, well, it’s never going to leave anyway.

I am hollow.

Sometimes I look around and realize “Oh, yeah, this is my life. That’s right. Oh yeah, that’s what my face looks like. Oh, I guess I am feeling sad today.”

I feel a disconnection with how I am alive and how to live life. I struggle everyday with thoughts of not thinking highly of myself, of how I’m a failure, how I can’t make anyone happy, that I’m a shitty person and even shittier friend. I plug earphones in and drown out my screaming thoughts, yet I can still hear them no matter what.

I lay in bed and wish I never have to get up. I don’t want to face the world. I don’t want to face anything.I want to sleep and stay asleep.

I want to try to live, but I do not know how. I want to wake up one day and know that I am happy and content and that can lessen the storm of my depression.

Tardis wants me to place positive affirmations in my room. Or to have a positivity journal. To take up a hobby again, such as crafting and video gaming. Take a run when my anxiety flares up. “They are distractions” she said, “but it turns the energy into something productive.”

I will try. The cycle is vicious and damaging, but I will try.


Chaotic Fawn


Revamping the Blog: Part Two

So, I’ve gone through editing my posts and I had deleted 5 posts. I had mostly checked for and corrected spelling and grammar mistakes. But on some of the posts I had added in some of my thoughts about the post itself.

I might actually go through the posts again next week to see if I can delete some more posts. This weekend (as in today and tomorrow) I might change the layout of the blog and color scheme and some other technical things, even though I’m not that talented in it.

Even though I hadn’t been doing much these past 2 years, other than taking advantage of my parents support to try and help my depression and heal, I’ve seen a tremendous growth for the old me that had started the blog. It’s nice to actually have solid proof of how I have grown as a person, even when I don’t feel or see that I have.

These are the posts that I’ve added in my thoughts onto:

More Drama

Mid-Semester; And Home is Comfort

I know it’s only two, but it’s still an edit, haha.

~~Chaotic Fawn

Revamping the Blog

Hello Everyone!

I’ve been going through my blog here and I’m feeling like I need to change it. Probably re-edit a lot of posts and delete some.

Looking over my old blog posts, I can really tell that I’ve changed in my way of writing/deal with things and I would really enjoy if my blog reflected that.

I’ll be privately keeping all of these posts but I feel like my blog is too cluttered with the wish-washy drama of my past self. Clean up the blog = starting to clean up my life.

I’ve greatly appreciated d the support and no hate comments on my typical average teenage drama posts. That is truly a blessing, especially on the internet which can hold a lot of trolls and hate.

I won’t be editing the blog during the day but possibly the evening.

Also I have decided to change my name that I’ve signed on the bottom of all the posts.

Thank you so much for the support and hopefully my blog will become better after this new revamping.

Until next time!

Chaotic Fawn

Let’s Talk My Depression

Heya Followers,

So, I’ve decided to talk about what my mental state has been and is at the moment.

Depression has been a constant thing in my family’s life for as long as I have remembered. My mother was diagnosed with Major Depression a long time ago and has take various different antidepressants for years to find the right one. She hasn’t. I was diagnosed 2 years ago, but I have been depressed for over 4 now.

It’s been a real struggle for my mom, especially since my dad doesn’t really understand it at all. It’s even been harder on my mom since her mother (my grammy) passed away a little bit over a year ago. Mom needs days to recover from a day out doing things. She also has full body pain almost everyday, so it’s even harder for her to get out of bed. She gets sick very easily, and takes a couple weeks to recover and then it’s like she’s sick again. And it’s hard for her to be happy in this house when it’s cluttered, but she also can’t get the energy to go clean the house.

I understand it. I understand because I also felt that way. I wouldn’t urge her to get out of bed and do things, because…. I didn’t want to do anything either. Just thinking about doing anything physically hurt so I didn’t make myself get out of bed, and my mom didn’t urge me out of bed either. It was a horrible cycle of a endless dark void. I was taking my medication religiously. But I kept feeling emptier and emptier. I answered my doctor truthfully; I’m not sad but I don’t feel anything. She gave me a different medication. I felt better, I started to do a little bit more. It wasn’t a big difference, but a little is a lot for someone who’s depressed.

But, it wasn’t enough, I didn’t feel anything was different. I still felt empty. So I made an executive decision, and stopped taking my antidepressants.

It was incredibly hard at the start. I struggled with all the emotions and thoughts. Some days, I didn’t leave my room unless my stomach was begging for food. Some days, I didn’t even feel hungry. Some days I kept eating and eating. Some nights I didn’t sleep, and when I finally did sleep, I refused to get up. My only saving grace was that I finally told myself to get up off my depressed ass and freakin’ do something, because doing absolutely nothing hasn’t made me feel better. So I got up, cleaned myself up, got dressed and started to sweep my whole house. My house doesn’t have carpet, my floor is just concrete. So after I swept, I mopped. And then I started to watch my TV shows that I just haven’t watched, I started forcing myself to hang out with my friends. I started to clean the house, I started to eat regularly. I still can’t sleep easily, the night is my friend and my rival. My friends were another of my saving grace. I wouldn’t have gotten totally out of that deep rut that I was in. With my determination and my friends, I climbed myself out into a shallow rut of depression instead of the raging sea it felt like.

I can’t fully escape my depression. I can feel it creeping behind me, waiting for the right moment to strike me as hard as the first, second, and third time it throw me into such deep depression. Even with my friends laughter and smiles etched into my brain, even they can fully hide the lurking darkness that is in the corner of my heart. Even with my friends to lean on and talk to, I can’t fully express the fear that I have in my heart when I think of how I’m in a race with my own darkness. I’m exhausted from dealing and running from my depression, knowing that I’ll never truly get away from it.

But, I’ve learned that even when I know my depression will never stop being apart of me, I know that happiness is just as easily felt and found. My happiness is something special when I know the deepest, darkest, saddest parts of myself.

I’ve done more in the past three months than I have in the past year. And it’s liberating.

My advice is to just try and get up. You don’t have to do everything. Just clean the cabinet, or open your curtains. Just small things and I promise you will feel better.

Until Next Post,

Chaotic Fawn

DIY: Cookie Sheet Chalkboard

Sooo, I did a thing, guys! I actually did a DIY!!! How crazy is that?!

Here’s a little something about me: I don’t do DIY stuff at all. Sure, I pin a crap ton on Pinterest but I don’t actually do them.

I didn’t come up with this idea; my mom did. My mom hates getting rid of things. And she got the idea when we were talking about chalkboard pain to paint the old cookie sheets that she has had FOREVER. So I humored her and painted the cookie sheets. I got the brilliant idea to share it with you all!!

Warning: This is my first time painting in general and I don’t know how well this will end up!

Things you need:

  • Chalkboard Paint
  • Paint brushes
  • Lots of newspaper
  • Old Cookie Sheets

I even got some baby wipes to wipe off paint that got on my hands or legs.

(Edit) Also a couple of tips:

  • If your going to use this as a kitchen command center or craft room decor, painting the whole thing would look cute. My mom wants to get acrylic paint or some such to add color to the edges.
  • I would use either a drill or a screwdriver and a hammer to make holes on the sheets where ever you want it to be hung at. Cookie sheets are thin enough that you probably wouldn’t need a drill.
  • From what I have been researching the best chalkboard paint for this type of project would be a spray chalkboard paint.
  • You can add like old Altoids tin cans and paint them and glue them on there to keep chalk in or whatever you need.
  • Cookie Sheets are metal so they are MAGNETIC!! Woooo, you can do TONS of stuff with it!
  • You can add ribbon to the existing holes (if there are any) and hang them that way.

Here’s the paint I used:


Step One:

Gather your supplies. Spread the newspaper and set the supplies on top of the newspaper. I used Valspar Chalkboard Paint, which is used for metal and wood especially. Which is good because the cookie sheets are metal.


Step Two:

Open up your paint can. I used a flat bed screw driver. Chalkboard Paint is quite thick, but I stirred it a little bit anyway. Onto painting the cookie sheets!! Nice even strokes. I didn’t use the best paintbrush; I just used one of the paintbrushes that is available at Hobby Lobby as a ‘hobby’ brush. It worked well for the job.




You can paint either side of the cookie sheet. I did these two on the bottom. I didn’t prep any of the cookie sheets, even though I probably should have. I wouldn’t know how to prep anyway, probably sand it down a little or something. (Gives you a helpless look)


I painted this one on the inside. I even painted the inside sides. I also did the sides on one of the ones that I painted the bottom with the Chalkboard paint. The paint can says to wait for 24 hours before you put another coat on or to retouch it in places.

So this was my first DIY! Yay! I’m thinking about making this a thing on the blog. Just every once in a while or if someone wants me to try something so they can see how it works. This was actually really fun!

I’ll update this in 24 hours so everyone can see the final result and what I think of it!

À tout à l’heure

Chaotic Fawn

Edit: So! I checked on these trays yesterday and they needed some touch ups, so I painted over them again and decided to wait. These are the results of the Cookie Sheet Chakboard with two coats:

IMG_6397[1]  IMG_6396[1]  IMG_6395[1]

I’m very proud of myself. I think they came out great! Hopefully they will look good with chalk on them!!!

I will update this post again seeing as I haven’t put them up on the kitchen wall yet, nor have I decorated them yet. I’ll probably do a Part Two post.

The “Dad Bod” Debate

I know I haven’t been on here recently and, once again, I am on my knees begging for forgiveness. I have neglected my blog and I neglected the Blogging 101 course. (Bows head in shame) I will be going through the Blogging 101 course and picking topics from there, but I will not do them all. I thought, instead of a lengthy update on my life that no one wants to hear, I would write about the new “fad” that is the “Dad Bod”. This is the original article, as far as I can figure out. The internet has exploded with responses to this “Dad Bod” fad, ranging from total support to absolute violent hate. The original article starts out with “if you hadn’t noticed it lately, girls are all about the dad bod” and continues with reasons why the “dad bod” is attractive, such as “we will know what he looks like at 45”, “[the dad bod] doesn’t intimidate us”, and “we like being the pretty one”. Okay, not totally bad reasons….. But, also, not totally good reasons. Sure, we will think we know what he will look like at 45 so we will “know what you’re getting”, but at the same time, if he continues with that IDGAF (I don’t give a f*ck) attitude, his body will look hella different than what he looks like now. Also having a beer belly significantly ups the risk of heart attacks and if he already has one now, how bad will it be for him then??

I’m not shaming the dad bod, totally rock the dad body, girls will be attracted to you, lots of us like some fluff on our guy, but I do want you to worry about your health. Such as I am going to worry about my health. I have the problem with “we like being the pretty one”. “[Girls] like being the center of attention” is toooootally off base for lots of girl. What that is doing is generalizing that women like to take up all the attention for being the ‘pretty’ one. Are we only attracted to his body because it’ll make us look better? That is a very selfish and would probably hurt his self esteem, and you’re the one sucking on his lowering self esteem and building yours up. But I do agree with how the dad bod “doesn’t intimidate us”. Because it’s true, it’s a very normal and average body, and we (the women who are attracted to dad bods) would try and count on the fact that they know the body isn’t perfect and not expect us to be perfect either.

Here we have an article at Elite Daily: There are MULTIPLE articles on Elite Daily about the dad bod. It’s almost to much information to weed through. I have to say I’m not in league with either of these websites, I just knew linking back to them would help me and others know what I’m talking about. So what Gigi Engle is talking about in this first article is that ‘THIS FAD IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE”. Okay, totally respect that as her opinion, but everything came to a screeching halt when she started saying that “are these women THAT insecure?”. WOAH, WAIT A SECOND. Women can be attracted to whatever body type and not be insecure. WOMEN ARE ATTRACT TO DIFFERENT THINGS. Doesn’t mean we are insecure, have low self-esteem, or even anything else. We can like whoever the f*ck we want to.

“Men, you simply cannot get away with this. It’s insanity. The fact that we’re glorifying men being pudgy and simultaneously berating women with too-thin madness is disturbing.”

Okay, sure, I get it. I’m a feminist myself. It IS insanity when we berate women with the ‘BE THIN, WORKOUT, HERE”S THE BEST BODY TYPE, WEAR THIS MAKE-UP, WEAR THIS, DON’T WEAR THAT’ so on and so forth. But, aren’t men being thrown into the pit now too? On multiple website, magazines, and commercials, media has plastered ripped bodies of men on everything. But, don’t get me wrong, men do have more freedom in their body types. For centuries, it didn’t matter if you were fat, skinny, muscled, lean, narrow, short or tall as a man, you were treated like a person. While women have had to conform to what men were attracted to at the time, meaning to be treated as an object. Many men wanted a nice plump woman with wide hips which in their mind it meant well fed (healthy) and could bear many children. Then men wanted tiny, willowy women and then tiny waists but totally hourglass. So on and so forth. But men never had to change themselves for women to find them attractive as women were/are taught to value a man by his intelligence, but a women is valued by her appearance.  So yes, maybe now we are glorifying the male body as an average body, but haven’t we always done that? I do not believe that you should tell men that they “cannot get away with this”. Because then you are pushing what you want gender norms to be down their throats. And gender norms are not supposed to be what YOU find attractive. I do agree with her that accepting the dad bod is not nullifying societies beauty standard, it’s making an even bigger gap between men and women’s beauty standards. I disagree with her that women are desperate to find a “mate” or that women are settling or that men are using their financial statues as an excuse to have dad bods. What excuse guys do have is that their beauty standards are WAY different than womens’.

“Any time I see a smoking hot super model cozied up to some chubby, fleshy actor or millionaire, I shudder. How can these icky dudes get these hot women? The answer is they can because we allow them to.”

Woah, woah, woah. Let’s take a minute and chill. You “shudder” at two people who are being intimate/hanging out with each other because of their bodies? How dare you call them “icky dudes”?? That is barely veiled man-hating (and women shaming) right there. What do you know about those women and men? Maybe he has a medical issue, maybe she works out for herself, maybe they like each other foe personalities…? Is that a hard concept?

“If we ladies are going to be forced to work for our rock hard bodies, men should be expected to meet the same criteria. It just isn’t fair that they get to stop trying at 18, and we’re not allowed to do the same. Frankly, it’s a crock of sh*t. If I can’t have a Mom Bod, your dad bod can get f*cked.”

Woah, okay. I feel this generalizes men now. Lots of men meet the criteria, lot’s of men don’t. Oh and women are just the same with that too. Lots of men find lots of women attractive, whether either gender is rock hard body, soft and squishy, or anything else. It is a crock of sh*t when society put unequal standards on men and women and that both genders (and all in between) are SHAMED into hating their bodies no matter what body type you have. It is a crock of sh*it when, instead of celebrating with men and then educating people about different body types of ALL genders, you get angry and spout out hateful words to both men and women about what bodies they have and what they are attracted to. There are a couple more paragraphs but I can’t even form the words to go against this woman’s hateful article. I’m a feminist and I celebrate all bodies, and I think this new fad could pave a way to an open, honest, and healthy discussion about bodies and being attracted to different bodies for all genders. I’m going to post links to different articles and I would like to discuss with you all what you think about this new fad, what it could mean to beauty standards to men and women, and what else this could impact.

This is probably my favorite article about this fad right now:

Beer Bellies are in, Biceps are out: Introducing the Dad-bod

What is the Dad Bod and are women actually into it?

Mommy Blogger Fires Back Against ‘Dad Bod’ Physique (this is a video) Is there any articles that you would like me to read about this?

I apologize, Family Update and Follower Feedback

Hello my dear followers,

I have to deeply apologize for not updating every week or even getting on my blog for a month now?

I’ll explain… I lost my drive to write on this blog after a good friend of mine found my blog….. I can’t really blame her, it’s not too hard to figure out this is my blog. But I still felt like I was stripped of my freedom of having this blog when she used a certain sentence from one of my posts to use in an argument. It may be stupid but I have felt stripped of my anonymity and had lost all motivation to write on this blog in fear of writing anything in my blog that could make her mad at me. But…. I have decided that this is MY blog and I can put my thoughts and feelings on here freely even if my friends might get mad at me. I have never once used their real names or gave information of where we live or anything else.

This is really brave of me actually, getting back on here. My friend and I have been on good terms; great terms actually these past few weeks and even today when Sue, Jenny, and I went out for a run and food and we were having fun and connecting like we usually do so I think the hurt feelings and everything like that is over with. That makes me happy and relieved. I like having my best friends back to normal and without the drama. I don’t want to shine her in a bad light. My friend really is a kind, wonderful individual and we all make mistakes. Though that makes it sound like it’s all her fault, which it isn’t.  We are both at fault.

This is exciting and terrifying at the same time. She’s in pain but that is expected as she is in labor and having contractions. This isnt her first child but this is my godchild which is really exciting.

Alright, my dearests, I will post some other posts that is not actual updates like this. I would like some feedback of what you would like to see on my blog and if my earlier writing style was better liked or if my writing now is better.  Please give me feedback! I love my followers but I would like to interact more with all of you!!!

Chaotic Fawn