Let’s Talk My Depression

Heya Followers,

So, I’ve decided to talk about what my mental state has been and is at the moment.

Depression has been a constant thing in my family’s life for as long as I have remembered. My mother was diagnosed with Major Depression a long time ago and has take various different antidepressants for years to find the right one. She hasn’t. I was diagnosed 2 years ago, but I have been depressed for over 4 now.

It’s been a real struggle for my mom, especially since my dad doesn’t really understand it at all. It’s even been harder on my mom since her mother (my grammy) passed away a little bit over a year ago. Mom needs days to recover from a day out doing things. She also has full body pain almost everyday, so it’s even harder for her to get out of bed. She gets sick very easily, and takes a couple weeks to recover and then it’s like she’s sick again. And it’s hard for her to be happy in this house when it’s cluttered, but she also can’t get the energy to go clean the house.

I understand it. I understand because I also felt that way. I wouldn’t urge her to get out of bed and do things, because…. I didn’t want to do anything either. Just thinking about doing anything physically hurt so I didn’t make myself get out of bed, and my mom didn’t urge me out of bed either. It was a horrible cycle of a endless dark void. I was taking my medication religiously. But I kept feeling emptier and emptier. I answered my doctor truthfully; I’m not sad but I don’t feel anything. She gave me a different medication. I felt better, I started to do a little bit more. It wasn’t a big difference, but a little is a lot for someone who’s depressed.

But, it wasn’t enough, I didn’t feel anything was different. I still felt empty. So I made an executive decision, and stopped taking my antidepressants.

It was incredibly hard at the start. I struggled with all the emotions and thoughts. Some days, I didn’t leave my room unless my stomach was begging for food. Some days, I didn’t even feel hungry. Some days I kept eating and eating. Some nights I didn’t sleep, and when I finally did sleep, I refused to get up. My only saving grace was that I finally told myself to get up off my depressed ass and freakin’ do something, because doing absolutely nothing hasn’t made me feel better. So I got up, cleaned myself up, got dressed and started to sweep my whole house. My house doesn’t have carpet, my floor is just concrete. So after I swept, I mopped. And then I started to watch my TV shows that I just haven’t watched, I started forcing myself to hang out with my friends. I started to clean the house, I started to eat regularly. I still can’t sleep easily, the night is my friend and my rival. My friends were another of my saving grace. I wouldn’t have gotten totally out of that deep rut that I was in. With my determination and my friends, I climbed myself out into a shallow rut of depression instead of the raging sea it felt like.

I can’t fully escape my depression. I can feel it creeping behind me, waiting for the right moment to strike me as hard as the first, second, and third time it throw me into such deep depression. Even with my friends laughter and smiles etched into my brain, even they can fully hide the lurking darkness that is in the corner of my heart. Even with my friends to lean on and talk to, I can’t fully express the fear that I have in my heart when I think of how I’m in a race with my own darkness. I’m exhausted from dealing and running from my depression, knowing that I’ll never truly get away from it.

But, I’ve learned that even when I know my depression will never stop being apart of me, I know that happiness is just as easily felt and found. My happiness is something special when I know the deepest, darkest, saddest parts of myself.

I’ve done more in the past three months than I have in the past year. And it’s liberating.

My advice is to just try and get up. You don’t have to do everything. Just clean the cabinet, or open your curtains. Just small things and I promise you will feel better.

Until Next Post,

Emmii Pebbles

DIY: Cookie Sheet Chalkboard

Sooo, I did a thing, guys! I actually did a DIY!!! How crazy is that?!

Here’s a little something about me: I don’t do DIY stuff at all. Sure, I pin a crap ton on Pinterest but I don’t actually do them.

I didn’t come up with this idea; my mom did. My mom hates getting rid of things. And she got the idea when we were talking about chalkboard pain to paint the old cookie sheets that she has had FOREVER. So I humored her and painted the cookie sheets. I got the brilliant idea to share it with you all!!

Warning: This is my first time painting in general and I don’t know how well this will end up!

Things you need:

  • Chalkboard Paint
  • Paint brushes
  • Lots of newspaper
  • Old Cookie Sheets

I even got some baby wipes to wipe off paint that got on my hands or legs.

(Edit) Also a couple of tips:

  • If your going to use this as a kitchen command center or craft room decor, painting the whole thing would look cute. My mom wants to get acrylic paint or some such to add color to the edges.
  • I would use either a drill or a screwdriver and a hammer to make holes on the sheets where ever you want it to be hung at. Cookie sheets are thin enough that you probably wouldn’t need a drill.
  • From what I have been researching the best chalkboard paint for this type of project would be a spray chalkboard paint.
  • You can add like old Altoids tin cans and paint them and glue them on there to keep chalk in or whatever you need.
  • Cookie Sheets are metal so they are MAGNETIC!! Woooo, you can do TONS of stuff with it!
  • You can add ribbon to the existing holes (if there are any) and hang them that way.

Here’s the paint I used:

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Step One:

Gather your supplies. Spread the newspaper and set the supplies on top of the newspaper. I used Valspar Chalkboard Paint, which is used for metal and wood especially. Which is good because the cookie sheets are metal.

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Step Two:

Open up your paint can. I used a flat bed screw driver. Chalkboard Paint is quite thick, but I stirred it a little bit anyway. Onto painting the cookie sheets!! Nice even strokes. I didn’t use the best paintbrush; I just used one of the paintbrushes that is available at Hobby Lobby as a ‘hobby’ brush. It worked well for the job.

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You can paint either side of the cookie sheet. I did these two on the bottom. I didn’t prep any of the cookie sheets, even though I probably should have. I wouldn’t know how to prep anyway, probably sand it down a little or something. (Gives you a helpless look)

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I painted this one on the inside. I even painted the inside sides. I also did the sides on one of the ones that I painted the bottom with the Chalkboard paint. The paint can says to wait for 24 hours before you put another coat on or to retouch it in places.

So this was my first DIY! Yay! I’m thinking about making this a thing on the blog. Just every once in a while or if someone wants me to try something so they can see how it works. This was actually really fun!

I’ll update this in 24 hours so everyone can see the final result and what I think of it!

À tout à l’heure

Emmii Pebbles

Edit: So! I checked on these trays yesterday and they needed some touch ups, so I painted over them again and decided to wait. These are the results of the Cookie Sheet Chakboard with two coats:

IMG_6397[1]  IMG_6396[1]  IMG_6395[1]

I’m very proud of myself. I think they came out great! Hopefully they will look good with chalk on them!!!

I will update this post again seeing as I haven’t put them up on the kitchen wall yet, nor have I decorated them yet. I’ll probably do a Part Two post.

The “Dad Bod” Debate

I know I haven’t been on here recently and, once again, I am on my knees begging for forgiveness. I have neglected my blog and I neglected the Blogging 101 course. (Bows head in shame) I will be going through the Blogging 101 course and picking topics from there, but I will not do them all. I thought, instead of a lengthy update on my life that no one wants to hear, I would write about the new “fad” that is the “Dad Bod”.

 http://theodysseyonline.com/clemson/dad-bod/97484 This is the original article, as far as I can figure out. The internet has exploded with responses to this “Dad Bod” fad, ranging from total support to absolute violent hate. The original article starts out with “if you hadn’t noticed it lately, girls are all about the dad bod” and continues with reasons why the “dad bod” is attractive, such as “we will know what he looks like at 45″, “[the dad bod] doesn’t intimidate us”, and “we like being the pretty one”. Okay, not totally bad reasons….. But, also, not totally good reasons. Sure, we will think we know what he will look like at 45 so we will “know what you’re getting”, but at the same time, if he continues with that IDGAF (I don’t give a f*ck) attitude, his body will look hella different than what he looks like now. Also having a beer belly significantly ups the risk of heart attacks and if he already has one now, how bad will it be for him then??

I’m not shaming the dad bod, totally rock the dad body, girls will be attracted to you, lots of us like some fluff on our guy, but I do want you to worry about your health. Such as I am going to worry about my health. I have the problem with “we like being the pretty one”. “[Girls] like being the center of attention” is toooootally off base for lots of girl. What that is doing is generalizing that women like to take up all the attention for being the ‘pretty’ one. Are we only attracted to his body because it’ll make us look better? That is a very selfish and would probably hurt his self esteem, and you’re the one sucking on his lowering self esteem and building yours up. But I do agree with how the dad bod “doesn’t intimidate us”. Because it’s true, it’s a very normal and average body, and we (the women who are attracted to dad bods) would try and count on the fact that they know the body isn’t perfect and not expect us to be perfect either.

Here we have an article at Elite Daily: http://elitedaily.com/women/stop-accepting-dad-bod/1025403/ There are MULTIPLE articles on Elite Daily about the dad bod. It’s almost to much information to weed through. I have to say I’m not in league with either of these websites, I just knew linking back to them would help me and others know what I’m talking about. So what Gigi Engle is talking about in this first article is that ‘THIS FAD IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE”. Okay, totally respect that as her opinion, but everything came to a screeching halt when she started saying that “are these women THAT insecure?”. WOAH, WAIT A SECOND. Women can be attracted to whatever body type and not be insecure. WOMEN ARE ATTRACT TO DIFFERENT THINGS. Doesn’t mean we are insecure, have low self-esteem, or even anything else. We can like whoever the f*ck we want to.

“Men, you simply cannot get away with this. It’s insanity. The fact that we’re glorifying men being pudgy and simultaneously berating women with too-thin madness is disturbing.”

Okay, sure, I get it. I’m a feminist myself. It IS insanity when we berate women with the ‘BE THIN, WORKOUT, HERE”S THE BEST BODY TYPE, WEAR THIS MAKE-UP, WEAR THIS, DON’T WEAR THAT’ so on and so forth. But, aren’t men being thrown into the pit now too? On multiple website, magazines, and commercials, media has plastered ripped bodies of men on everything. But, don’t get me wrong, men do have more freedom in their body types. For centuries, it didn’t matter if you were fat, skinny, muscled, lean, narrow, short or tall as a man, you were treated like a person. While women have had to conform to what men were attracted to at the time, meaning to be treated as an object. Many men wanted a nice plump woman with wide hips which in their mind it meant well fed (healthy) and could bear many children. Then men wanted tiny, willowy women and then tiny waists but totally hourglass. So on and so forth. But men never had to change themselves for women to find them attractive as women were/are taught to value a man by his intelligence, but a women is valued by her appearance.  So yes, maybe now we are glorifying the male body as an average body, but haven’t we always done that? I do not believe that you should tell men that they “cannot get away with this”. Because then you are pushing what you want gender norms to be down their throats. And gender norms are not supposed to be what YOU find attractive. I do agree with her that accepting the dad bod is not nullifying societies beauty standard, it’s making an even bigger gap between men and women’s beauty standards. I disagree with her that women are desperate to find a “mate” or that women are settling or that men are using their financial statues as an excuse to have dad bods. What excuse guys do have is that their beauty standards are WAY different than womens’.

“Any time I see a smoking hot super model cozied up to some chubby, fleshy actor or millionaire, I shudder. How can these icky dudes get these hot women? The answer is they can because we allow them to.”

Woah, woah, woah. Let’s take a minute and chill. You “shudder” at two people who are being intimate/hanging out with each other because of their bodies? How dare you call them “icky dudes”?? That is barely veiled man-hating (and women shaming) right there. What do you know about those women and men? Maybe he has a medical issue, maybe she works out for herself, maybe they like each other foe personalities…? Is that a hard concept?

“If we ladies are going to be forced to work for our rock hard bodies, men should be expected to meet the same criteria. It just isn’t fair that they get to stop trying at 18, and we’re not allowed to do the same. Frankly, it’s a crock of sh*t. If I can’t have a Mom Bod, your dad bod can get f*cked.”

Woah, okay. I feel this generalizes men now. Lots of men meet the criteria, lot’s of men don’t. Oh and women are just the same with that too. Lots of men find lots of women attractive, whether either gender is rock hard body, soft and squishy, or anything else. It is a crock of sh*t when society put unequal standards on men and women and that both genders (and all in between) are SHAMED into hating their bodies no matter what body type you have. It is a crock of sh*it when, instead of celebrating with men and then educating people about different body types of ALL genders, you get angry and spout out hateful words to both men and women about what bodies they have and what they are attracted to. There are a couple more paragraphs but I can’t even form the words to go against this woman’s hateful article. I’m a feminist and I celebrate all bodies, and I think this new fad could pave a way to an open, honest, and healthy discussion about bodies and being attracted to different bodies for all genders. I’m going to post links to different articles and I would like to discuss with you all what you think about this new fad, what it could mean to beauty standards to men and women, and what else this could impact.

This is probably my favorite article about this fad right now: http://elitedaily.com/life/problem-dad-bod-trend/1024023/

http://elitedaily.com/women/dadbod-fad-annoy/1016195/

Beer Bellies are in, Biceps are out: Introducing the Dad-bod

What is the Dad Bod and are women actually into it?

Mommy Blogger Fires Back Against ‘Dad Bod’ Physique (this is a video) Is there any articles that you would like me to read about this?

I apologize, Family Update and Follower Feedback

Hello my dear followers,

I have to deeply apologize for not updating every week or even getting on my blog for a month now?

I’ll explain… I lost my drive to write on this blog after a good friend of mine found my blog….. I can’t really blame her, it’s not too hard to figure out this is my blog. But I still felt like I was stripped of my freedom of having this blog when she used a certain sentence from one of my posts to use in an argument. It may be stupid but I have felt stripped of my anonymity and had lost all motivation to write on this blog in fear of writing anything in my blog that could make her mad at me. But…. I have decided that this is MY blog and I can put my thoughts and feelings on here freely even if my friends might get mad at me. I have never once used their real names or gave information of where we live or anything else.

This is really brave of me actually, getting back on here. My friend and I have been on good terms; great terms actually these past few weeks and even today when Sue, Jenny, and I went out for a run and food and we were having fun and connecting like we usually do so I think the hurt feelings and everything like that is over with. That makes me happy and relieved. I like having my best friends back to normal and without the drama. I don’t want to shine her in a bad light. My friend really is a kind, wonderful individual and we all make mistakes. Though that makes it sound like it’s all her fault, which it isn’t.  We are both at fault.

BUT, MY SISTER IN LAW IS IN LABOR RIGHT NOW!!!! MY GOD CHILD IS COMING!!!
This is exciting and terrifying at the same time. She’s in pain but that is expected as she is in labor and having contractions. This isnt her first child but this is my godchild which is really exciting.

Alright, my dearests, I will post some other posts that is not actual updates like this. I would like some feedback of what you would like to see on my blog and if my earlier writing style was better liked or if my writing now is better.  Please give me feedback! I love my followers but I would like to interact more with all of you!!!

Emmii Pebbles

Let Me Reintroduce Myself

Hello lovelies!

I’ve started the Daily Post Blogging 101 course so I wanted to reintroduce myself to you and hopefully new readers!!

My name is Emmii Pebbles. I’m nineteen years old. I live in between the line of town and country; meaning I don’t live totally in the country but I don’t live too close to town either. I enjoy writing and sharing my story of life. I gave myself the name Emmii Pebbles because it’s weirdly connected to my real name and because it’s really nice persona for me to feel comfortable blogging with.

Here’s the first assignment of blogging 101:

Why am I blogging publicly, instead of having a private journal?

Truthfully, I want to be heard by someone. Sometimes having a private journal doesn’t have the same satisfaction as, in a sense, shouting it toward the sky and letting everyone hear you. I want to howl my story to myself, to others, and to the world. But mostly because I really just want to share this blog with myself over the course of my changes.

What topics am I going to write about?

Well, first off my daily struggles with depression and anxiety, my life, friendships and relationships, (hopefully) travel, and more often then not everything and anything that I want to talk about. There’s so much on my mind that I want to get out and see other’s opinion of.

Who would I love to connect to via my blog?

Everyone. I want to connect with the person who struggles with depression and/or anxiety, I want to connect with the successful traveler, I want to connect with the working mothers and the stay at home moms and the moms who stay at home and work, I want to connect to anyone who wants their story heard and to hear other stories. I want to connect so I can learn. I want people to know that they aren’t alone in struggles with anything and many people want  to and can help.

If I blog successfully throughout the next year, what would I hope to have accomplished?

I want to have accomplished personal growth. I want to learn about other people’s personal growth. I want to see the difference in my writing style and in how my thinking has changed.

I’m really stoked for this opportunity to be with Daily Post Blogging 101!! I look forward to any other assignment!

Here is my about page: https://daydreamsandjargon.wordpress.com/about/

And here is my first introduction: https://daydreamsandjargon.wordpress.com/2013/08/11/hello-world/

Until next post!!

Emmii Pebbles

Feeling Lost and Rambles

Well, it’s been a couple days since my last post. So far there isn’t anymore drama in my friend group now, and I’m really hoping that it stays that way for a while. Quite frankly, I’m overly exhausted today (02/01/2015). I had a good cry the other night, but only because I had some help with some music. It’s been hard for me to cry for about a year now. Maybe it’s my anti-depressants, maybe because I just don’t know how to cry anymore. Whatever the reason, I still feel exhausted even after the sleep I got.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my schooling and what I should be doing. Truthfully, I’m too interested in everything. I want to be a CNA, but I also want to be trained in security or in child care or as photographer. I’m literally buzzing with everything I want to learn. I know I can’t learn all, but I just can’t seem to decide. I feel this indecision is childish and immature.

I’m just totally stuck right now in this forsaken land of nothingness and indecision and anxiety. I have no idea how to get out of it. I just want to run away from everything, find myself a nice clean dark cave and stay there. Though I would get bored to death without the internet and some books so that is totally pointless. I would also miss my friends too much, along with my family even if they are overly dramatic sometimes. Eh, this is the life of the Tech Generation I suppose. Undeniably addicted to internet and the comforts of always having conversation at your finger tips. Though, those conversations turn empty after a while…

I’m feeling so alienated from myself and my dreams. Where did my ambitions go? My hopes and wishes? Where? How could I have just lost it without even knowing I lost it?? Where in the jumble of life did I just crumble? It’s felt like ages have past.

Where is my life going? Where had my life gone? It has just seemed to slip my measly grasp and laughed at me cruelly as it left me to start a losing race with depression and anxiety.

Here is the deal with my depression, I don’t have suicidal thoughts (never have and hopefully never will). My depression is sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, loneliness, and most of all, I’m feeling lost. I’m feeling so lost that I don’t know where I came from, where I’m headed to, or where I am right now. Everything in my head is a mess and even my room is mirroring that. I’m a disaster, something a raging tornado left in its merciless wake.

This post is so scattered I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m just sad and quite frankly, I’m a little lonely. Is it too hard to ask for a SO to cuddle with and take comfort from? Maybe too much to ask? But, even then, they truly can’t help the loneliness and sadness that grasps at my heart and engulfs it like a flame. Wow, that was slightly poetic.

I just want to keep rambling about everything; all my worries and fears and friend drama and anxieties. I want to talk about my insecurities and how i just wish everything was easy. Nothing is ever easy if it’s worth it I guess. Maybe that’s why depression is hard, because on the other side of the hard path is wholeness, acceptance, and happiness. Or maybe that is my rare optimism showing throw. And, there goes the optimism into the darkest pits of my depression. I’m just so tired.

Is it selfish of me to ask someone to save me, because I’m not sure i can save myself??

Until next post,

Emmii Pebbles

More Drama

Hello my lovelies.

It’s been a long month, but it really hasn’t been. All my friends have started new classes this spring semester. I feel slightly left out. I have tons of free time and I am getting lonely very quickly with them being so busy with college. I seriously need to get a time consuming hobby. I need to get a job, too.

They seem to be having a good start to the semester, though they aren’t friends with Jenny anymore. Sue and Jenny argued/debated about how it didn’t seem like Sue and I (Emmii) were joking with her. Savvy jumped into the fight and said somethings that were harsh.

           So, it seems, I am Jenny’s only friend. I told the other girls (Savvy, Sue, and Kristina) that it’s okay that I’m always, somehow, in the middle. I lied, kinda. I am always put in the middle so I can handle it. I just don’t like it. Sue texted me,” I’m sorry. I’m so so so sorry.If only I had kept my big mouth shut none of this would be happening.”  I told her that it’s okay and that it’s not her fault. She said, “None of this is okay. You don’t deserve to be put in the middle and to see our fights and I brought this on top of your head. I don’t deserve a friend like you because with everything I do you reap the consequences but you don’t complain”.

           So I told her to shut the **** up and that if I have to say it’s okay one more time, I’ll kick her ***. She shut up real quick. I don’t want another emotional wreck on my hands along with Jenny. Jenny says that she left the group messages (on Facebook) because she just can’t handle all of the messages she gets. I wanted to tell her that she just can ignore the messages until she was ready to talk, but that would start a whole new ordeal that I just didn’t want. She went onto say that all the fights were weighing heavily on her depression. I wanted to scream. What the hell do you mean ?! You’re the one who’s starting the fights.

            Alas I said “Okay.”; because why do I need to start a fight? Jenny went on to something about the group message and what Sue told the other girls to stop messaging on it. I said, “I don’t know and I’m really not paying any attention to anything right now. I’m just tired of what is going on”. She said “I’m here to talk and if it’s about me, I’m sorry”. I told her the truth that some of it is about you. I said, “I dont know how you can fix it, I don’t Know what you can fix. Maybe I do, but I don’t know how to put it into words. I’m just sick and tired of all the stupid drama. My friendships just seem to be giving me anxiety and I’m just done. I don’t know what to do and , frankly, I don’t want to do anything”.

Yadayada, the conversation went on for a while longer but I don’t feel like talking about how she has no one to comfort her after the fight and that she’s not throwing a pity party for herseIf and that the girls aren’t my responsibility to keep from fighting ect. ect.. She wouldn’t have started the argument if she knew this was going to happen to me.

So, either the girls are taking a break from Jenny or they just aren’t friends with her anymore.

Ahhh, this post wasn’t supposed to be about more girl drama but I guess I needed to talk about it somewhere.

I’ll make sure to post something different tomorrow.

Over and Out,
Emmii