So, I’ve decided to talk about what my mental state has been and is at the moment.
Depression has been a constant thing in my family’s life for as long as I have remembered. My mother was diagnosed with Major Depression a long time ago and has take various different antidepressants for years to find the right one. She hasn’t. I was diagnosed 2 years ago, but I have been depressed for over 4 now.
It’s been a real struggle for my mom, especially since my dad doesn’t really understand it at all. It’s even been harder on my mom since her mother (my grammy) passed away a little bit over a year ago. Mom needs days to recover from a day out doing things. She also has full body pain almost everyday, so it’s even harder for her to get out of bed. She gets sick very easily, and takes a couple weeks to recover and then it’s like she’s sick again. And it’s hard for her to be happy in this house when it’s cluttered, but she also can’t get the energy to go clean the house.
I understand it. I understand because I also felt that way. I wouldn’t urge her to get out of bed and do things, because…. I didn’t want to do anything either. Just thinking about doing anything physically hurt so I didn’t make myself get out of bed, and my mom didn’t urge me out of bed either. It was a horrible cycle of a endless dark void. I was taking my medication religiously. But I kept feeling emptier and emptier. I answered my doctor truthfully; I’m not sad but I don’t feel anything. She gave me a different medication. I felt better, I started to do a little bit more. It wasn’t a big difference, but a little is a lot for someone who’s depressed.
But, it wasn’t enough, I didn’t feel anything was different. I still felt empty. So I made an executive decision, and stopped taking my antidepressants.
It was incredibly hard at the start. I struggled with all the emotions and thoughts. Some days, I didn’t leave my room unless my stomach was begging for food. Some days, I didn’t even feel hungry. Some days I kept eating and eating. Some nights I didn’t sleep, and when I finally did sleep, I refused to get up. My only saving grace was that I finally told myself to get up off my depressed ass and freakin’ do something, because doing absolutely nothing hasn’t made me feel better. So I got up, cleaned myself up, got dressed and started to sweep my whole house. My house doesn’t have carpet, my floor is just concrete. So after I swept, I mopped. And then I started to watch my TV shows that I just haven’t watched, I started forcing myself to hang out with my friends. I started to clean the house, I started to eat regularly. I still can’t sleep easily, the night is my friend and my rival. My friends were another of my saving grace. I wouldn’t have gotten totally out of that deep rut that I was in. With my determination and my friends, I climbed myself out into a shallow rut of depression instead of the raging sea it felt like.
I can’t fully escape my depression. I can feel it creeping behind me, waiting for the right moment to strike me as hard as the first, second, and third time it throw me into such deep depression. Even with my friends laughter and smiles etched into my brain, even they can fully hide the lurking darkness that is in the corner of my heart. Even with my friends to lean on and talk to, I can’t fully express the fear that I have in my heart when I think of how I’m in a race with my own darkness. I’m exhausted from dealing and running from my depression, knowing that I’ll never truly get away from it.
But, I’ve learned that even when I know my depression will never stop being apart of me, I know that happiness is just as easily felt and found. My happiness is something special when I know the deepest, darkest, saddest parts of myself.
I’ve done more in the past three months than I have in the past year. And it’s liberating.
My advice is to just try and get up. You don’t have to do everything. Just clean the cabinet, or open your curtains. Just small things and I promise you will feel better.
Until Next Post,