I apologize, Family Update and Follower Feedback

Hello my dear followers,

I have to deeply apologize for not updating every week or even getting on my blog for a month now?

I’ll explain… I lost my drive to write on this blog after a good friend of mine found my blog….. I can’t really blame her, it’s not too hard to figure out this is my blog. But I still felt like I was stripped of my freedom of having this blog when she used a certain sentence from one of my posts to use in an argument. It may be stupid but I have felt stripped of my anonymity and had lost all motivation to write on this blog in fear of writing anything in my blog that could make her mad at me. But…. I have decided that this is MY blog and I can put my thoughts and feelings on here freely even if my friends might get mad at me. I have never once used their real names or gave information of where we live or anything else.

This is really brave of me actually, getting back on here. My friend and I have been on good terms; great terms actually these past few weeks and even today when Sue, Jenny, and I went out for a run and food and we were having fun and connecting like we usually do so I think the hurt feelings and everything like that is over with. That makes me happy and relieved. I like having my best friends back to normal and without the drama. I don’t want to shine her in a bad light. My friend really is a kind, wonderful individual and we all make mistakes. Though that makes it sound like it’s all her fault, which it isn’t.  We are both at fault.

BUT, MY SISTER IN LAW IS IN LABOR RIGHT NOW!!!! MY GOD CHILD IS COMING!!!
This is exciting and terrifying at the same time. She’s in pain but that is expected as she is in labor and having contractions. This isnt her first child but this is my godchild which is really exciting.

Alright, my dearests, I will post some other posts that is not actual updates like this. I would like some feedback of what you would like to see on my blog and if my earlier writing style was better liked or if my writing now is better.  Please give me feedback! I love my followers but I would like to interact more with all of you!!!

Emmii Pebbles

Let Me Reintroduce Myself

Hello lovelies!

I’ve started the Daily Post Blogging 101 course so I wanted to reintroduce myself to you and hopefully new readers!!

My name is Emmii Pebbles. I’m nineteen years old. I live in between the line of town and country; meaning I don’t live totally in the country but I don’t live too close to town either. I enjoy writing and sharing my story of life. I gave myself the name Emmii Pebbles because it’s weirdly connected to my real name and because it’s really nice persona for me to feel comfortable blogging with.

Here’s the first assignment of blogging 101:

Why am I blogging publicly, instead of having a private journal?

Truthfully, I want to be heard by someone. Sometimes having a private journal doesn’t have the same satisfaction as, in a sense, shouting it toward the sky and letting everyone hear you. I want to howl my story to myself, to others, and to the world. But mostly because I really just want to share this blog with myself over the course of my changes.

What topics am I going to write about?

Well, first off my daily struggles with depression and anxiety, my life, friendships and relationships, (hopefully) travel, and more often then not everything and anything that I want to talk about. There’s so much on my mind that I want to get out and see other’s opinion of.

Who would I love to connect to via my blog?

Everyone. I want to connect with the person who struggles with depression and/or anxiety, I want to connect with the successful traveler, I want to connect with the working mothers and the stay at home moms and the moms who stay at home and work, I want to connect to anyone who wants their story heard and to hear other stories. I want to connect so I can learn. I want people to know that they aren’t alone in struggles with anything and many people want  to and can help.

If I blog successfully throughout the next year, what would I hope to have accomplished?

I want to have accomplished personal growth. I want to learn about other people’s personal growth. I want to see the difference in my writing style and in how my thinking has changed.

I’m really stoked for this opportunity to be with Daily Post Blogging 101!! I look forward to any other assignment!

Here is my about page: https://daydreamsandjargon.wordpress.com/about/

And here is my first introduction: https://daydreamsandjargon.wordpress.com/2013/08/11/hello-world/

Until next post!!

Emmii Pebbles

Feeling Lost and Rambles

Well, it’s been a couple days since my last post. So far there isn’t anymore drama in my friend group now, and I’m really hoping that it stays that way for a while. Quite frankly, I’m overly exhausted today (02/01/2015). I had a good cry the other night, but only because I had some help with some music. It’s been hard for me to cry for about a year now. Maybe it’s my anti-depressants, maybe because I just don’t know how to cry anymore. Whatever the reason, I still feel exhausted even after the sleep I got.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my schooling and what I should be doing. Truthfully, I’m too interested in everything. I want to be a CNA, but I also want to be trained in security or in child care or as photographer. I’m literally buzzing with everything I want to learn. I know I can’t learn all, but I just can’t seem to decide. I feel this indecision is childish and immature.

I’m just totally stuck right now in this forsaken land of nothingness and indecision and anxiety. I have no idea how to get out of it. I just want to run away from everything, find myself a nice clean dark cave and stay there. Though I would get bored to death without the internet and some books so that is totally pointless. I would also miss my friends too much, along with my family even if they are overly dramatic sometimes. Eh, this is the life of the Tech Generation I suppose. Undeniably addicted to internet and the comforts of always having conversation at your finger tips. Though, those conversations turn empty after a while…

I’m feeling so alienated from myself and my dreams. Where did my ambitions go? My hopes and wishes? Where? How could I have just lost it without even knowing I lost it?? Where in the jumble of life did I just crumble? It’s felt like ages have past.

Where is my life going? Where had my life gone? It has just seemed to slip my measly grasp and laughed at me cruelly as it left me to start a losing race with depression and anxiety.

Here is the deal with my depression, I don’t have suicidal thoughts (never have and hopefully never will). My depression is sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, loneliness, and most of all, I’m feeling lost. I’m feeling so lost that I don’t know where I came from, where I’m headed to, or where I am right now. Everything in my head is a mess and even my room is mirroring that. I’m a disaster, something a raging tornado left in its merciless wake.

This post is so scattered I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m just sad and quite frankly, I’m a little lonely. Is it too hard to ask for a SO to cuddle with and take comfort from? Maybe too much to ask? But, even then, they truly can’t help the loneliness and sadness that grasps at my heart and engulfs it like a flame. Wow, that was slightly poetic.

I just want to keep rambling about everything; all my worries and fears and friend drama and anxieties. I want to talk about my insecurities and how i just wish everything was easy. Nothing is ever easy if it’s worth it I guess. Maybe that’s why depression is hard, because on the other side of the hard path is wholeness, acceptance, and happiness. Or maybe that is my rare optimism showing throw. And, there goes the optimism into the darkest pits of my depression. I’m just so tired.

Is it selfish of me to ask someone to save me, because I’m not sure i can save myself??

Until next post,

Emmii Pebbles

More Drama

Hello my lovelies.

It’s been a long month, but it really hasn’t been. All my friends have started new classes this spring semester. I feel slightly left out. I have tons of free time and I am getting lonely very quickly with them being so busy with college. I seriously need to get a time consuming hobby. I need to get a job, too.

They seem to be having a good start to the semester, though they aren’t friends with Jenny anymore. Sue and Jenny argued/debated about how it didn’t seem like Sue and I (Emmii) were joking with her. Savvy jumped into the fight and said somethings that were harsh.

           So, it seems, I am Jenny’s only friend. I told the other girls (Savvy, Sue, and Kristina) that it’s okay that I’m always, somehow, in the middle. I lied, kinda. I am always put in the middle so I can handle it. I just don’t like it. Sue texted me,” I’m sorry. I’m so so so sorry.If only I had kept my big mouth shut none of this would be happening.”  I told her that it’s okay and that it’s not her fault. She said, “None of this is okay. You don’t deserve to be put in the middle and to see our fights and I brought this on top of your head. I don’t deserve a friend like you because with everything I do you reap the consequences but you don’t complain”.

           So I told her to shut the **** up and that if I have to say it’s okay one more time, I’ll kick her ***. She shut up real quick. I don’t want another emotional wreck on my hands along with Jenny. Jenny says that she left the group messages (on Facebook) because she just can’t handle all of the messages she gets. I wanted to tell her that she just can ignore the messages until she was ready to talk, but that would start a whole new ordeal that I just didn’t want. She went onto say that all the fights were weighing heavily on her depression. I wanted to scream. What the hell do you mean ?! You’re the one who’s starting the fights.

            Alas I said “Okay.”; because why do I need to start a fight? Jenny went on to something about the group message and what Sue told the other girls to stop messaging on it. I said, “I don’t know and I’m really not paying any attention to anything right now. I’m just tired of what is going on”. She said “I’m here to talk and if it’s about me, I’m sorry”. I told her the truth that some of it is about you. I said, “I dont know how you can fix it, I don’t Know what you can fix. Maybe I do, but I don’t know how to put it into words. I’m just sick and tired of all the stupid drama. My friendships just seem to be giving me anxiety and I’m just done. I don’t know what to do and , frankly, I don’t want to do anything”.

Yadayada, the conversation went on for a while longer but I don’t feel like talking about how she has no one to comfort her after the fight and that she’s not throwing a pity party for herseIf and that the girls aren’t my responsibility to keep from fighting ect. ect.. She wouldn’t have started the argument if she knew this was going to happen to me.

So, either the girls are taking a break from Jenny or they just aren’t friends with her anymore.

Ahhh, this post wasn’t supposed to be about more girl drama but I guess I needed to talk about it somewhere.

I’ll make sure to post something different tomorrow.

Over and Out,
Emmii

2015: Small Changes

Hello my wonderful followers!!!

It’s almost 2015!! 2 more days!! Most New Year Resolutions are big and grand and often aren’t finished.

Well, this time my NYR is going to be different than regular ones. This year is going to be different.  My mother has declared 2015 the year of small changes and I have adopted that thinking too. It might seem like a resolution, but I think it’s a little different.

This year its not about getting fit and throwing youself into exercising,  its not about getting a new job or putting yourself totally out of your comfort zone.

This year is about gradually swapping out the chemically overloaded cleaning products for more natural ptoducts. It’s about taking the time to just walk for thirty minutes with someone to talk about things. It’s about learning from your past mistakes and adjust accordingly. 

This year is about bettering yourself and your lifestyle.

Tell me your New Year resolution!!! Is it similar to mine or is it big and grand?

Until next post,

Emmii Pebbles

Friendship

Today I want to talk about what is going on within one of my friendships.

Disclaimer : All names have been changed for privacy reasons. To protect their identities, no personal information will be given out .

So I’ve been having a sh*t ton of drama happening with one of my friends. Her name is Jenny. I don’t really know how to start this without explaining the whole story of how we are friends,  but I don’t want to bore everyone… Ah, what the heck. I might as well explain.

Jenny was my friend in high school. We became friends because she was dating my brother. So nice simple friendship until she and her (former) best friend had a big falling out. I don’t remember what it was about and I really don’t care to. So, I became the best friends with her along with Cal (who, if you’ve read my previous posts, was my best friend of 4 years). Everything was nice and simple until my brother and her broke up. We stayed friends, until my first semester of college (had a falling out), but it was not easy as my brother was still a topic she talked about. Especially when he started to date her ex-best friend.

So, that’s the background. We’ve only started to be friends again because her and my brother got back together last year in December.  My brother wanted me to patch things up with her. Which I did because our falling out was ridiculously immature and unnecessary. Months pass, problems surfaced with my brother and her, then with me and her and our other friends but we all pushed though it.

Until now, of course.

Since she has gotten a job, about a month ago, all of us girls haven’t been able to hang out with her much.  Not because we didn’t want to,  but because we all were busy. Our friend Kristina live about 45 minutes away and that’s a lot of gas to put in her truck when she doesn’t have a job. Sue and I have many things to do at home. Sue’s mother works 12 hours every day so Sue keeps the house clean and runs errands for her mother. I, personally, help my mom take care of my grandfather, do chores, feed the horses, and help my mom organize the garage, which is a big mess and a time consuming task. My father also works long hours at the prison as a maintenance man.

And I have other friends besides Jenny, Kristina, and Sue. They want to hang out with me so I make time when they ask. Jenny is a spontaneous “let’s hang out today”, while my other friends plan with me. It’s easier to hang out with someone who plans with you than someone who texts in the middle of you doing housework for the day.

2 weeks ago, I wanted the girls to meet this boy that I have been talking to and going on dates with. I had only told my mother and, because she was texting me when I was hanging out with him, Sue knew. My other friend, Kristina, was really happy that I’ve found a guy I like and congratulated me. Jenny on the other hand said, “Always out of the loop…”. I told her not to start an argument and that stopped her texting in the group chat. So a couple days later, she apologized, not even a heartfelt one, and asked when she can meet the guy. Well I told her plans got cancelled because they did. His friend came back from basic training and he went to hang out with him.

So this weekend, Jenny wanted to hang out. She texted in the group chat, on Christmas at 10pm, wondering if we wanted to see Into The Woods on Sunday (today). I couldn’t today I had family over, so I explained that. Nobody else texted back, so she tried to guilt trip the girls, I told her guilt tripping wouldn’t work. She texted me only next and we talked about her apology and what she has been going through. She said she wanted to kill herself because we hadn’t been talking to her and because of how shitty this past month has been. She threw out that Kristina had stopped talking to her when she said she wanted to kill herself. That was false. I know Kristina would have told us to get to Jenny’s right away. Kristina told me she didn’t say that to her; Jenny only said she hated living in her parents house and that work has been stressful.

Kristina had texted me screenshots of her and Jenny’s conversation from last night. Let me just say when Jenny doesn’t get her way she starts to treat the person like shit. Kristina didn’t take it and called Jenny out on it. I basically watched the whole fight go down. The summary of what they said is Jenny blamed Kristina for saying no to hanging out because Kristina had things to do around the house. Kristina told Jenny to stop treating her like shit because she couldn’t hang out. Jenny then accused Kristina that she’s making more time for Kristina’s boyfriend than us girls.  Kristina had only been with her boyfriend on Thanksgiving and then Christmas day because of his work.

Obviously Jenny still has a problem with Kristina dating after her lsst break up about,oh let’s see, 6 months ago. Theeeeennn, Jenny said that she did tell Kristina about wanting to kill herself.  Kris said no, I would have remembered that. Jenny had nothing to say to that.

This has turned out to be a horribly long post so I’ll try to wrap it up quickly.

Overall, this friendship with Jenny has brought back my anxiety and I’m very angry with her for starting drama within our friend group. If she had just come out to us and told us what was going on instead of lashing out at us and making us angry at her, we wouldn’t have to deal with this high school like drama.

I’m a nineteen year old young woman and I don’t want to deal with this. I already had a friendship like this before and I don’t want to have another friendship like it.

I apologize, this post is such a bore and nobody wants to read about friendship drama between girl friends. I just needed to rant about this stupidity. If you powered through this post, I would like some advice and if you want something clarified, I will do it for you.

Until next post,

Emmii Pebbles

Reviewing My Life

So, hopefully, all of you will not be too disappointed in me. This semester has been long and tiring, and my depression came back even harder than last year.

I attribute my stronger depression to this thanksgiving and this coming Christmas to be the first without my Grammy.

I can’t really use that as an excuse to my horrible grades this semester….

I’ve lost my financial aid because of my horrible grades. I’m taking another semester off to find a job and do some online courses during the spring and summer. Hopefully, I’ll get back to full-time student going to classes in the fall. Maybe even while still working. It’ll be hard but I think having something besides school to do will help me keep busy.

I have to say, I’m wondering how I still have followers after all my amateur posts and not posting for months. Maybe all of you just forgot about me. That’s okay though. But if you didn’t, thank you for still being interested in me!

I think I still want to be a psychology major, though I will have to redo my general psychology course along with my English comp. and research class. The only classes I passed were my general health class along with french. Maybe because I enjoyed french far more than any other class, I got an A in french.

 I’ll worry about classes after I get hired someplace. Hopefully I get hired soon and I can start working off my debt to college and save up for online classes. I also have to worry about my car’s (still technically my brother’s, but he’s in Guam, he doesn’t need it right now) insurance and maintenance. Thankfully, he’s paying the insurance now but I’m hoping to half it with him since I am going to be the primary driver.

I’m also thinking about another hobby to start. I’ve started crocheting, but I’m actually thinking about fitness related hobby. Any ideas? Especially for someone who has noodle arms and legs?

Until next post,

Emmii Pebbles