All Consuming Thoughts.

I only have about 4 more days before college starts.

And with that thought comes the panicking, the worry, the tension, and that sick churning feeling in my gut. All these worries and fears spin in my head making me fall head over heels to try and forget, throwing myself into blogs or Facebook or Instagram or music.

I tend to forget that other people felt this way, will probably always feel this way, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling this way. Especially since my best friend (who we will call Cal from now on) is totally gung-ho about the new chapter in her life. We always talked about how excited we are for college and how we just can’t wait for our life to start.

Not anymore, well for me anyway.

True, I’m excited but I’m also beyond afraid for this. It’s not like I don’t want it, I do. More than anybody probably thinks. I want my life to start, I want to start my career but that doesn’t mean that I’m not scared of growing up. That’s probably what I’m most scared about.

Growing up.

That is not something I want to do. I’m not prepared for it. I can’t be prepared for it. I’m not ready to grow up. I’m not ready to do anything really.

I’m not ready for heartbreak, for disappointment, for the crushing reality that after college my life will consist of me working for the rest of my life.

I’m not ready.

I feel like I was just pushed into a dark room, blindfolded and deaf with the key thrown away and the door lock. I know I have a support system with my family, with my friends, but what if that’s not enough? What if I still can’t do it?

What if I can’t make it? What if I CAN’T do it?

These thoughts plague me every damn second, awake or sleeping. I can’t get away from these all consuming thoughts. I toss and I turn, wanting to cry but sucking it up because I know if I start crying I won’t ever, ever stop.

And the worse part of this,

I have to pack to go home.

Until next post,

Chaotic Fawn


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