Well, it’s been a couple days since my last post. So far there isn’t anymore drama in my friend group now, and I’m really hoping that it stays that way for a while. Quite frankly, I’m overly exhausted today (02/01/2015). I had a good cry the other night, but only because I had some help with some music. It’s been hard for me to cry for about a year now. Maybe it’s my anti-depressants, maybe because I just don’t know how to cry anymore. Whatever the reason, I still feel exhausted even after the sleep I got.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my schooling and what I should be doing. Truthfully, I’m too interested in everything. I want to be a CNA, but I also want to be trained in security or in child care or as photographer. I’m literally buzzing with everything I want to learn. I know I can’t learn all, but I just can’t seem to decide. I feel this indecision is childish and immature.
I’m just totally stuck right now in this forsaken land of nothingness and indecision and anxiety. I have no idea how to get out of it. I just want to run away from everything, find myself a nice clean dark cave and stay there. Though I would get bored to death without the internet and some books so that is totally pointless. I would also miss my friends too much, along with my family even if they are overly dramatic sometimes. Eh, this is the life of the Tech Generation I suppose. Undeniably addicted to internet and the comforts of always having conversation at your finger tips. Though, those conversations turn empty after a while…
I’m feeling so alienated from myself and my dreams. Where did my ambitions go? My hopes and wishes? Where? How could I have just lost it without even knowing I lost it?? Where in the jumble of life did I just crumble? It’s felt like ages have past.
Where is my life going? Where had my life gone? It has just seemed to slip my measly grasp and laughed at me cruelly as it left me to start a losing race with depression and anxiety.
Here is the deal with my depression, I don’t have suicidal thoughts (never have and hopefully never will). My depression is sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, loneliness, and most of all, I’m feeling lost. I’m feeling so lost that I don’t know where I came from, where I’m headed to, or where I am right now. Everything in my head is a mess and even my room is mirroring that. I’m a disaster, something a raging tornado left in its merciless wake.
This post is so scattered I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m just sad and quite frankly, I’m a little lonely. Is it too hard to ask for a SO to cuddle with and take comfort from? Maybe too much to ask? But, even then, they truly can’t help the loneliness and sadness that grasps at my heart and engulfs it like a flame. Wow, that was slightly poetic.
I just want to keep rambling about everything; all my worries and fears and friend drama and anxieties. I want to talk about my insecurities and how I just wish everything was easy. Nothing is ever easy if it’s worth it, I guess. Maybe that’s why depression is hard, because on the other side of the hard path is wholeness, acceptance, and happiness. Or maybe that is my rare optimism showing throw. Annnnd, there goes the optimism into the darkest pits of my depression. I’m just so tired.
Is it selfish of me to ask someone to save me, because I’m not sure I can save myself??
Until next post,
Edited: Spelling and Capitalization errors.